15. See a Concert at The Melody Tent

So when my sister-in-law's cousin Kelly offered me tickets to the Counting Crows earlier in the summer, I respectfully had to decline (after pondering it for quite some time) they were nearly $70 bucks a piece and I just couldn't justify spending that kind of money on a show.  When I realized it was my Amy's birthday weekend I breathed a sigh of relief that I had already opted out of the concert, as last year a family member had given me Bostones tickets for the night of her party.  I wasn't terribly upset about missing the concert, I mean I love the Counting Crows, I think Adam (yeah I'm on a first name basis with him) is an incredibly talented song writer and all but I've been to a ton of concerts and I always know, next year is another year.  Anywho, last weekend was my big birthday fiesta and what does my brother and sister-in-law and her family give me...two Counting Crows tickets.  I was actually disappointed by the gift, I can't lie.  I really wanted to go out for Amy's birthday.  I'm rarely in the city and was getting excited to get dressed up and go out with the girls...I even suspected there would be dancing.  Once I got over the initial disappointment and figured I could shoot up to Boston if the show didn't end to late, I grew quite excited about it as the week grew.

After offering the second ticket to Jamie first (only because she gets first refusal on anything fun in my life, not because I was trying to take her away from Amy), and getting the expected denial, and having Culum tell me that he would need to be intoxicated to enjoy the concert, I called my other bestie Melissa who was totally psyched to tag along and I was totally psyched to have her. The show started at 8pm and we surprisingly got there at 8:05pm and heard someone singing Van Morrison's "Caravan", said person sounded just like Adam, but I thought nothing of it...openers sometimes sound like lead acts...happens at Ani concerts all the time.  So we grabbed some beers and chatted for a bit.  Suddenly, I realized that familiar voice had to be Adam, however, he was being accompanied by a rapper.   I stuck my head inside the tent and he was onstage with a full band and said rapper.  We quickly got to our seats, what happened over the next several hours was nothing short of genius.  Augustana (ya know that "think I'm goin to Boston" song), Counting Crows and the rapper who's name I believe is Notor, all played together like a family.  Sometimes it was just the Counting Crows, Augustana or Notor, other times it was some combination of the three. It was pretty fucking amazing.  In the middle of the concert they all came together (sans the rapper) to do Bob Dylan's "Just Like a Woman" which is really my favorite song (I actually wept when I saw Dylan do it).  It was so incredible.   Whenever one of the musicians had a solo, everyone on stage would gather round that person, to show some respect and jam out to their solo.

If you've never been to see live music that I'm truly into with me, my reaction is hard to understand.  I get this full feeling in my chest and this surge of energy, I suppose its like being high.  I was so overwhelmed by the quality of this show, I was jumping about like a little kid who has to go to the bathroom.  During intermission I told Mel that my favorite show I'd seen at the tent was Richie Havens and Arlo Guthrie and that it had ended with Arlo teaching us a peace loving song that we all sang together and clapped along to.  Counting Crows ended with Arlo's dad's song "This Land is Your Land".  I think that was pretty much meant to be.

So while I'm still quite sad I missed Amy's birthday, I'm extremely grateful I got to see such a great show.  I guess we'll have to celebrate Amy's birthday again...which probably doesn't suck for her :)

62. Clean Out My Car & Keep it Clean For One Month

So I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of riding in a vehicle owned by me, but I keep a messy car.  Not like most people with a few empty coffee cups and an item or two of clothing in it. My car has the look of a crazy woman who lives in her vehicle and will at some point be found dead in it by the police.  My car usually has at least two large black trash bags full of trash in the back, several Stop & Shop bags numerous Diet Coke cans, empty Starbucks cups , empty cigarette packs, fast food bags, candy wrappers, empty cotton candy buckets (oh it comes in buckets), old receipts and candy wrappers strewn throughout the front and back seats.  I typically travel alone, so I don't usually need to make room for passengers, so really there's just enough room for me to get in and out. On the rare occasion I have to open the back door, I'm usually greeted by some composition of large amount of shit I keep in my car falling to my feet...which can be slightly embarrassing when a passerby happens to look in my direction.  I happen to have no problem with how I keep my car.  I pay for it, I drive in it and quite frankly feel, if you don't like it....don't get in it.  That having been said, my mother, boyfriend, friends and family seem to think its fine to be all judgy and make little comments like.."don't you think you should clean your car" and "your car is disgusting". The nerve of some people. 

Anyways, I made a date with my Goddaughter some weeks ago and she's 9 and can't sit in the front seat. Although in my car the front seat would've been perfect for her cause I would've fucked all the stuff into the back seat and her little legs wouldn't have been long enough to hit the trash on floor.  But apparently its unsafe for her to be in the front seat so prior to leaving Culum's house I told him I was going to "clean my car out quick" before picking her up.  I've never seen him move so quickly, suddenly he was at my side with trash bags and a vacuum.  Over the next half hour we briskly got rid of a ridiculous amount of trash, found 4 lighters and a substantial amount of change.  He vacuumed my car and it was really clean.  I got some Windex and wiped it down and cleaned the windows and it actually looked nice.  Once it was done I kinda felt like I probably should try to keep it clean and now it just is.  I find myself picking up small pieces of paper off the floor and bringing in empty soda cans everyday.  So its been a month....who ever woulda thought

68. Start Going To Counseling

So if you read my last blog you know I clearly have some "daddy issues", in addition, I suffer from some pretty ridiculous anxiety, chronic pain and I have the ADD.  So I need to work out those things, as well as a few other things so yesterday I started the counseling.  As I said in my last blog, I was raised without any stigma surrounding mental health issues, so going to counseling really doesn't embarrass me or make me feel like I'm crazy. Quite frankly I think most Americans these days could go talk to someone for an hour a week about their fucked up childhood, cause lets be honest there's no such thing as "normal" anymore.  So I was extremely excited to meet with Barbara and am really excited to do what work needs to be done to get through my issues.   I also am super excited that I get to go somewhere for an hour and talk about me, without feeling bad...cause I love to talk about me.  I really do, I love to talk about me, tell my stories and listen to the sound of my own voice.  That doesn't make me a bad person, just slightly self-absorbed, probably something else I should work on with Barb...I wonder if she'll let me call her that.  Anyways, I feel like I'm starting a fresh new chapter in my life, be proactive about working through my issues...almost like an adult.  I may revisit this number if I have like a break though in therapy, that happens right? But if not, I have officially crossed #68 off my list

46. Write a Letter to My Father and Decide What to do With It When I'm Done

I wrote a letter to my father whom I haven't seen in fifteen years and morn the loss of everyday.  I decided to throw the letter away, because my father is a paranoid schizophrenic and regardless if I write him a letter, show up on his door step or continue to do nothing at all my father isn't coming back.  I'd like to give you some history, if you'd care to read on.  My dad got sick the year I was born.  Prior to that, I'm told he was one of the coolest people most of my mother's brothers and sisters had ever met.  He was a silversmith, he loved good music, was well read, intelligent and dressed impeccably.  My father had lived a hard life and in the late 60s and early 70s found himself spending time hanging out in Harvard Square experimenting with drugs.  His doctors believe its that social drug use that lead to his mental illness.   My parents divorced when I was 3 solely because his mental illness made it unsafe for him to be in the house. Although when he was on his medication, we spent time with him, because it was the mental illness that made him unsafe, not my father, my father was not a bad man.  For 15 years if my father was on his meds we spent every Sunday with him and visited every holiday.  My mother raised us to believe that there was nothing abnormal about our situation, my father was simply sick.  If he wasn't taking his medication we had to stop seeing him until he started again, usually that included him going to the hospital for a few days or weeks. But that was ok, if he was in the hospital he was being medicated so we would just visit him there.  My mother raised us without the stigma that surrounds mental illness, so none of that mattered to me. But after 15 years of playing with a severe mental illness, the schizophrenia won.  Every time a schizophrenic goes off their medication and falls back into insanity, they fall further away from the person they were and can't get that part of themself back.  The last time my brother and I saw him was the Christmas I was 15, he was off his meds, talking to himself and just not well.  My brother made the executive decision that we wouldn't see him until he got back on them.  After that he just became progressively worse, he was kicked out of the group home he was living at for noncompliance and decided that living on the streets would be a better choice.  My father was one of those "crazy homeless" people you see walking around talking to themselves.  I don't know how long he lived like that, but it seemed like years.  I don't know how we got him off the streets, I think my mother may have gone to court and had him committed but I honestly can't remember.  Since then I haven't spoken to him.  Its not by choice, I would literally give my sight to have my father back, but he has told his case worker he "has no family" and either he believes that or isn't capable of maintaining relationships with us.  I don't know which and its really to painful to sit and ponder over, although at times I do.   I've seen him from time to time over the past 15 years.  When he was on the streets I saw him frequently, less so when he had a place to live and of late, not at all.  My heart is broken over it, but I was blessed with the best mom on the face of the earth and an amazing family who understands why I may never stop grieving the loss of my dad.  I don't know that writing that letter was as cathartic as I thought it would be, I think counseling is what will really get me on the road to moving through the pain, but I think it was the start I needed to getting some of my feeling toward him on paper.

13. Start My Own Website

I didn't even realize I had kept this on my list till today, but hey, I can check number 13 off my list. I started my own website. http://www.wireddesigner.com/ is officially up and running. My plan is to be at Dick & Ellie's Flea Market in Dennis before the end of the summer so I figured I needed to have a website for people to go to. I update it as I make new things so if you go, check it out every couple of weeks to see what I've been up to. My pictures still aren't great, but Lana and I will meet up before the summer is over and she takes amazing pics so I'm super psyched. I haven't had any sales yet (other than my aunt) but I think that once I get myself to the flea market I'll have some better luck.

Just a Thought

So I haven't completed any of my tasks yet. But am working on several of them, as several of them take a few months to complete, so this blog has nothing to do with any of that. I just am in the middle of a major life change and felt the need to write about it. Last weekend my roommate and best friend of 25 years advised me that a mutual friend would be moving to Boston and if my boyfriend and I intended to cohabitate in the next six months to a year then now would be the time to do it. I wasn't ready for this at all. I have been living between the Cape and Boston for the past several months and had no intention of that changing in the near future. However, being that there was no saying that I wouldn't get sick of keeping dual residences or couldn't financially swing it anymore, I folded. I first had a long talk with Culum, he was psyched at the prospect of me living with him full time and "having me to himself". I then sat down with my extremely Catholic mother , (I think part of me was looking for someone to scream NO bad idea), my mother told me that if I loved him and wasn't planning on leaving him then it was appropriate to take the next step. Did she not realize I would be living in sin??? I mean not that I really wouldn't do it for that reason, but come on Ma your like practically a nun...why aren't you lecturing me here about the evils of premarital sex and living in sin. But I digress. So after getting that feedback and pushing down my vicious fear of commitment, I called Jamie and told her that I would move back to the Cape in October. I'm not unhappy to be living with my boyfriend, I love Culum more than I've loved anyone and can totally see us doing the forever thing together. I just don't know how to give up the city I'm in love with for the man I'm in love with. I don't know how to hold on to my independence while sharing my life and home with someone else. I don't know how to commit to someone completely. Typically when the water gets to hot, I just hit the destruct button. But I could never do anything to hurt him, so I can't get be up to my old tricks. I guess that says something for our relationship and my maturity level at this point. In any event, I guess this is part of my growth and it will force me to deal with some of the issues from my past that have caused the whole commitment phobe thing. I don't know if this will in anyway affect my 1001 things, aside from speeding up my getting the counseling :)

And So it Begins

A couple weeks ago when I was sitting in the airport waiting to fly home from Vegas, I checked my email and saw a few of my friends had started these 101 things in 1001 days blogs. I immediately was intrigued by what they were doing and thought what a cute idea. I thought maybe I could do something like that and then I A.D.D'ed it to the back of my brain. A few days after I returned, I got word that my aunt Janie's boyfriend, who had been suffering from Leukemia, had taken a turn for the worst. Michael had been sick on and off for four years and I had a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that this was the last time I'd be saying good-bye. My feeling was right. During the time that Michael was sick, I kept coming back to Amy, Erin and Kimmy's blogs and thinking, this is the perfect time to do something like this. When I lose a loved one, I immediately am reminded of how short life is, the importance of family and how unhealthy I allow myself to be. So the Monday after Michael passed I began my list of 101 things.



So begins my journey of 101 things that could change my life. When that movie "Bucket List" came out and people started really talking about their "Bucket List" it occurred to me that I could be the only person that had a "Bucket List" for things to do before I was 30. With my 30th birthday approaching and that list no where to be found, this came up just in time. Although the deadline will be after my 32 birthday, I still will be doing things within a reasonable amount of time. My list is comprised of things I've never done but always wanted to, like going to the Newport Folk Festival and going to a Bruins game, things I don't do because I don't like to like going fishing and camping and things that would further my jewelery business, like taking a silversmithing course and buying a torch. Then there are things that I feel I should be doing that I don't, like volunteering, going to mass and donating to a food pantry, things that will make me healthier like working out and eating healthy, and things that will bring me closer to my family like putting aside time to spend with extended family and taking a class with my mother. Don't get me wrong there are things on there that are completely selfish, but at 29 years old, I've learned that you HAVE to be selfish sometimes.



In any event, this should be an interesting project to say the least, I will blog about each of my tasks and try and take pictures of them (within reason). My #86 is to keep a daily journal, so I plan on keeping an online journal, so I'll post the link to that on here. I hope you follow along with me on my journey.